What's it with Doors?

So you might not have heard about my other blog post some whiles ago.

But just to summarize, our front door is strange. The actual handle, if you're not careful, can be ripped out of the door  (leaving this neat hole for us to awkwardly place back in), and the second lock above that is our only means of security. As for our screen door, it used to be super creaky and open at the randomest moments so that while you were in the living room, you would suddenly hear this creaking from outside (the screen door). Then, after my father 'fixed' it, it would not prop open and would constantly shut itself closed no matter how heavy the groceries were and no matter how limited the use of your meager two overwhelmed-with-groceries hands were after mass-grocery-shopping on an empty stomach at Costco with a bucketful of coupons.

So there's your background information on my family's (and my) encounters with doors.



This is why I have reached a conclusion.
A very vital piece of information that must not be ignored.

Doors are plotting against us.

I'm telling you!
You can laugh all you want, but they are more intelligent than you think. They are secretly plotting their revenge of being slammed, locked, kicked, knocked, and other things people do with doors. They are smiling on the inside, thinking of the soon coming desolation of the human race, at our ignorance in thinking to oversee the numerous intelligent species that just communicate in different ways than we do, sneering at our stupidity and our stuck up specio-centrism (the belief in the inherent superiority of one's species).

"He did not perceive that my to smile now was at the thought of his immolation."

           --Edgar Allan Poe, The Cask of Amontillado


Plus they're laughing at how funny we look. (We're not geometrical!)

They're slowly rising to their deserved spot in the Thing-Food-Chain. They will imperialize all of Earth, and we will be helpless to their merciless punishments and torture. When the time comes, they will rise, they will defeat the human race with their massive, growing army of fierce, brutal doors. Because they are everywhere--they are omnipresent, they are ubiquitous.

(Don't ask me how I know all of this.)


ANYHOW. Back to the initial point:
Not only does our front and screen door not work anymore, but our CAR DOOR has decided to shut itself out from socializing or interacting with us.

Our car is a minivan, a silver one. It's pretty old. We named it, but then I forget his name. (Actually I named it and my parents paused and continued doing their usual conversation-for-5-hour-car-rides-to-some-random-place, and my brother argued with me over what to name it for approximately 4 minutes and 38 seconds and we came to a negotiation that we would mash the name by picking one as the middle name, but then we argued over which name would be the first name, and in the end we just decided to call the car by two different names.)
It has one automatic door, on the right side. The left side is manual (or whatever you call it, I have no idea). To open the automatic door, you have to pull the handle, and then let go. The automaticity of the door will do the rest for you. Pull the handle and it opens up for you, honoring you as its great master. (Technically, the great master should be the driver, and there is no automatic door for the driver's seat. Hmmm.)


Here is the story of how our devoted car door turned against us.

My mother carpooled with a few other middle-aged mothers to some sort of middle-aged-mothers' meeting of some sort (or at least, there were a lot of middle-aged mothers there). They rode in the back seats, and apparently, one of them decided that the door was not an automatic door, despite the numerous times my mother informed her of its automatic nature.
She then decided that she would pull as hard as possible, using all of her upper and lower body strength (regardless of its necessity for opening car doors)--power from her mind, spirit, and body, summoning it all into that POOR LITTLE CAR DOOR--to close the door. Basically she pulled the door shut (even though it was automatic) with all of her strength, right until the moment the car door clicked closed.

Since then, our door has never been the same. It is disappointed in us. It has lost trust. What once used to be a loyal, automatic door, is now a strange, creaky, semi-automatic door. It trusted us, maybe not humans, but it trusted us, our family, that we would treat it right. Yet we betrayed it by letting an outsider harass the automaticity out of the poor little door. And now it has lost faith in us. In humanity. It shall join the door revolution. Humans are merciless monsters of no sentiment. They are ruthless and emotionless. They deserve death. They deserve to meet their end.

So, now that I'm done using a somewhat sarcastic tone to bash on my own species, time to write a short how-to.

How to Open The Betrayed Car Door:
1. Click the Open-Automatic-Door button on the car keys.
2. Door does not open.
3. Pull the door handle of the Semi-Automatic Door Rebel after walking all the way from the door of the house (which is also a rebel of the Door Revolution).
4. Door does not open. Makes weird sound.
5. Pull door handle again, but this time use all of your strength to pull it open.
6. About a 1.5 second delay until Semi-Automatic Door Rebel responds.
7. Semi-Automatic Door Rebel responds.
8. Door opens.
9. Surprisingly, it opens automatically.
10. Get into car.
11. Click automatic door closing button near the Semi-Automatic Door Rebel.
12. No response.
13. Click it again, and then try to pull the handle (an attempt to see if clicking the button and pulling the handle will together do the job of making the door succesfully automatic.)
14. Makes weird noise.
15. Give up and just pull the car door with all of your strength until it finally gives in and decides to close.

(Will you believe me if I told you that I used Copy+Paste for typing "Semi-Automatic Door Rebel.)


So... yeah. That's the sad story of our once Automatic Door, whose soul is no longer with us. It has left the cause and decided to join the monstrous army against the human race.

Beware, fellow humans. I tell you. Keep your weapons ready. You never know when they might strike.