nihilist theories, transcendentalist thoughts, and a bit of lack of emotion

hello, hello, world. I have decided that I will break the convention of today’s society and not capitalize anything—anything except for those god-forsaken I’s that autocorrect themselves on this audaciously austere computer. (how dare you, computer. no.)

I have returned from my quest against life and happiness and I have neither, I assure you, and I am somewhat well and alive. somewhat.

nevertheless I have enough strength to write a few words (few, hah) on my blog after the longest hiatus on the face of hiatus-universe.

I’ve gone through a lot, I’m still going through a lot, and I will continue to go through a lot (is the gist of what I’m getting from life right now). it’s not really going to get any better, it seems, but hey, that’s life, and I’ve got to take it in—somehow.

 

well. here I am.

 

okay, for nihilist theories and transcendentalist thoughts.

first of all I’ve been thinking (though then again, when have I not been thinking) about life and society and things like that. I’ve been, to say the least, feeling very lost lately. lost in life, lost in society, lost in myself. I’ve been creating an abyss for myself (which I fondly call my own grave) by drowning in my own analyzations (I don’t care if that’s not a word) of myself and people around me. I’m a bit of an idealist and an analyst when it comes to things. so reality doesn’t really work out well for me.

anyhow. that’s not the point. the point is that I’ve come across a very, very important point about life.

it’s that there is none.

(gasp.)

there is no meaning to life, god forbid.

there is. no. meaning. to. life.

call me negative, call me a nihilist, an anarchist, a communist, whatever you want. but there really is no meaning to life. there is no one goal in life. there is no one answer that we will all someday come across and gasp and reach for our foreheads and say, “oooooooh” like it was an answer you had known all along anyways.

no.

(this was my search to un-lost myself. because I was feeling terribly lost, you know? so I tried to un-lost myself. (there is a difference between un-lost and un-lose so deal with it.))

(to me there is.)

the reason so many people feel “lost” in life; so many people feel like there needs to be an answer; like there is something waiting for them out there—a destination, a place. a finish line--

the reason so many people feel lost is because they are searching for an answer that doesn’t exist. they are searching for the finish line that they’ll never reach. they’re searching for a destination that is neither near nor real. they are searching for nothing, and in consequence, they feel an utter sense of loss and confusion in this blind search for nothingness.

let me put it clearly:

people sometimes say that life is a race. some people say that life is a journey. no, no, nonononono. life is a field. it’s a plain old freaking field (I’m sorry, I rarely use such lowly words as “freaking” to describe things, but I felt it very necessary to describe the utter vulgarness and repulsiveness of the reality) with nothing in it. you’re standing in it. or maybe you’re sitting. but it doesn’t matter. because it’s a. freaking. field.

you can get up and go somewhere if you want. you can choose your own destination and get there. you can sit down and do nothing the rest of your life. you can make something out of it or you can not make something out of it. but that’s your choice. it’s not some journey. it’s not some race. it’s a field. it’s a freaking field.

and you’re standing in it, searching for a light switch that isn’t there. sorry, bud, there’s no light switch to turn the lights on. you’re in the dark forever.

(as you can see I am not in the healthiest of mental states.)

 

…now, if that was a bit overwhelming. now for the lack of emotion.

well, I’ve been thinking (again, when am I not)—or rather, analyzing (again, when am I not) myself. and I’ve noticed that I have quite noticeably lost a lot of emotion over the past few months. whatever it is that instigated this I have no idea, but I definitely have a sudden decrease in sympathy and an increase in apathy when it comes to reading literature or watching movies. sad ones, I mean.

I mean, I was watching that one episode of BBC’s Sherlock where—fine, I won’t say. but it was sad, heartbreaking, and moving, and all I did was say “oh, well that happened. okay.” and you know what? not a single tear.

my friend apparently cried for hours after watching this.

I felt a little weird.

then comes the fault in our stars, the modern tear-inducing tragedy of our internet-obsessive, narcissistic generation.

nothing!

nothing at all.

not a single tear.

I swear to you, I was trying to cry. god forbid—I was trying to cry!

but you know what, I just observed the losses, took note of the tragedy, and shed no tear.

(to be honest I wasn’t even sure when I was supposed to be crying.)

is this bad?

 

I have no idea.

I think I’m losing my sense of sympathy.

(but then again, I sympathize literally everyone around me. or rather, pity. these days I’ve been noticing the struggles of everybody around me, which has gotten me deeper into myself and instigated my never-ending thoughts about life and how “beautifully flawed” it is.)

(sighs.)

 

good bye, and I hope you have a mental state saner than mine.